I have started journaling and I aim to fill an entire journal this time!!! Basically, the purpose of journaling (and blogging :) is to express the internal thought processes and triggers that cause me to want to do certain things: namely, for this specific journal, overeating.
Almost ten years ago, I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and later Bi-polar depression. Before this happened I don't remember having a dysfunctional relationship with food. But immediately after the initial mental collapse, I turned to food for comfort - to try and fill an emotional void that I couldn't seem to fill any other way. I was trusting Jesus so the greatest void in my heart was filled but there was an ache that wouldn't go away that even my family couldn't fully understand. So I turned to food. We have a love/hate relationship. Better put, I love to eat but it soon got to the point where I began eating for my emotions rather than because my body really wanted to eat.
I don't think that initially I was trying to shut down my body's signals, but my tangled up emotions and faulty chemical imbalances seemed to be screaming louder than my body's "please stop eating, I'm full."
I have been growing in so many other ways since the beginning of my emotional struggles - in self-confidence, joy, peace, perseverance and courage - that I think it's about time my eating deserves some attention. I feel like it's a crutch I've leaned on or big cozy coat that I've wrapped myself in all these years that I just can't quite bring myself to throw down or cast off. Eating has made me feel okay for so long while also not allowing me to move into full freedom. The crutch is getting heavier and not so helpful. . .the coat is getting bulkier and not so cozy as much as prohibiting leaping and dancing and freedom!
I am so ready to be free so that I can truly move forward into grace and joy and self-forgetfulness and giving of myself. Food can be a comforter but it is not the true Comforter. Ultimately Jesus is the only true, eternal Ache-Filler and Love-Giver, but since I am in this rattly vehicle of a body with its little bumps and bruises, I have to learn ways to replace the compulsive over-eating with truly soul-nourishing, tension-relieving activities.
I am SO ready to be free! I truly believe that blogging and journaling will help me to better understand my internal workings and truly break free into a whole new plain of soul nourishment, free movement, self-forgetfulness, and JOY! Praise the Lord for His faithfulness and desire to bring us into greater freedom and friendship with Him!